A Letter to French, the Language

!!!WARNING!!! Parental Advisory: Explicit and Implicit Content. This post is not recommended for children ages 12 or below. I am writing to a language at least 400 years old, so he should be fine… but your children might not be.

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Dear French,

I believe you must be well acquainted with English by now, and as such, I am writing this letter to you in it. If you haven’t guessed by now, know that I do so to spite you. Dear French, I hate you.

I hate how you are like a whore; you look gorgeous and sound sexy, but when I get hooked you give me syphilis. I hate the way you make me choke when you whip out your Rs. I hate maths; by extension I hate how you make me do 4×20+11 instead of 90+1. And the fuck is with your grammar? I hate it.

Your verbs have more transformations than rainbows have colors. Remember English? All it has: the verb word, third person singular present form, present participle, past form, past participle. Five, and I am filing a perfectly comprehensible complaint to you in it. But you have to make things so complicated. Simple past is not simple, imperfect past is perfectly confusing, and compound past is the most common past tense you have? Frankly, I can only afford to give unconditional hate to your conditional verb forms.

In a way, you are like Japanese with your crazy chameleon verbs, except that the Japanese actually have the decency to pronounce every letter they write. An interesting concept you have, that just by the way the words are written, you can tell whether something is singular or plural, male or female. But what on Earth is the difference it is going to make, when you pronounce them all the same? Need I remind you that -ent has three letters, and that means ink, written or printed? But no, you have to make it silent. Fuckent.

I hate your vocabularies. You make me feel like I’m a douche while taking a bath, and like I’m intoxicated when I consume fish.

And although this is not a problem unique to you, where did you ever get the idea that each and every single noun having a gender is beautiful? Most of them don’t even fornicate. And as a proponent of freedom, I believe that I should have my individual liberty to assign any gender I want to my left nostril.

The only thing I can appreciate about your gender fetish is how you made “hand” female. How ingenious. How considerate of you toward your garçons who touch themselves at night. Then again, you basically condemn all your filles to lesbianism. While we are at it, you also condemned said garçons to heterosexuality. Not that I mind, but do expect another letter from the Human Rights Council in the future.

Tomorrow I will have to do you in the exam. Believe me, I hate the thought of it as much as you do. But remember this: you hooked me first; now I am going to stick with you till the end. Languages do not own me; I own them.

Yours illiterately,

Steve

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